感受阳光，感受生活，走自己脚下的路，自信，充满希望。。。

THERE IS NO SENIORITY!!!

SCHOOL IS FREAKING RETARDED!!!!!

I keep hearing ppl talking about grades..."A: I hope i'm gonna get an A", "B: oh if I get a B, i'm gonna drop the class"...

I'm like..WHAT THE HELL!!!a B is bad??????????????What kind of world is it? Does everything have to be determined by that freaking grade????geeeeeeezzzz....I CANNOT STAND this!!!!

another 3 hours wasted in the senior lab this afternoon, i think I've been concentrating on the senior design project too much lately.  Well, not even that, I'm not concentrating on anything! NOTHING! God I'm just tired....and i'm now really sick (cold+fever), hope it's not swine flu......and i'm lost on the track of one major class and i do not care!  O-Life is great! Senior year is AWESOME!

enough being crazy, now go to bed and dream, skipping all classes tomorrow because i'm sick...yea...

dunno why, every semester at this time (in the middle but toward the end of semester) I'm getting lazier and lazier.  Time flies as you can't even imagine --- Amazingly there are only 6 more weeks left till the end of the semester, though I still feel like semester just started not long ago and the truth is a little more than a half semester is already gone. 

I totally procrastinated all my plans.  I have been pretty up-to-date with everything, submitted all the hw I was supposed to, did all the work, but now, at this stage of the semester, I'm becoming lazy again!!!!! I JUST feel tired.  Don't know if it's just me or is everyone else the same.  Or maybe because the daylight saving thing messed up all my schedule that i've been used to......AHHHHHHHHHH i just feel tired!!!!!!!!!!

Hope school ends as early as possible!!!!!! hell i'm going to sleep, screw the hw and the reading assignment, I DO NOT CARE!

想想女人真的是一种悲哀的动物。凭什么女人的心一定要跟着男人跑呢？靠！不公平！！！！！！！！！

就拿我来说吧，我怎么就这么不争气，控制不了自己的心理和情绪。。。是我没骨气！！！！！

男人在没得到一个人的时候的表现，跟在他完全得到她之后的表现，绝对能形成鲜明的对比。。。

我觉得我错了，我之前把一切幻想的太美好了，现实跟幻想的落差实在太大了。。。现在我只能接受这个事实，然后唯一能做的就是，随时调整好自己的心态，不要让一切来影响我的生活和心情。。。说白了，就是要变得冷淡。。。

真的，伤心真的不好受，所谓的伤心，原来是这种滋味，真不是人应该受的。。。

Again, I could totally feel the changes on me, whether of my personalities, or of my views on certain things, or of my values toward future and life....just pretty much everything...

Before, I think it's a horrible thing, and I try hard to avoid this change.  Why not keeping the same "me" (including goals, values, etc) as how I have been or how I have become from the day when I was born to today's stage of my life? 

The truth is, regardless to whether or not being in love, the above attempt is unrealistic! and VERY impossible!  It's true that love can make one blind.  But to me, I rather say love "changes" my direction of where I am heading to than to say it "blinds" me.  I think I am still pretty reasonable and logical although emotional as well since it is one of the nature of all women. At least I have the ability to analyze what's been happening between both of us, and I think for him, try to understand him, put myself into his shoe and analyze why he did what he did no matter "right or wrong".  In fact to me, there is no right or wrong, because I believe the conflicts always originate from the differences of the natural traits (both genetic or phenolic) of both men and women although there are a few similarities for all humans: Selfishness, self-centralization, and never being satisfied.  Whatever happens, I tend to think why it happens, what I did and why I did so, what he did and why he did or thought so, maybe from how he grew up, how his family, background and experiences have affected him, and above all, the nature of men.  Or maybe I'm blind, but do I really seem so?

I confess that I still cry for no reason, just cry when I feel like it (maybe too sensitive to some words, smell, some music, some sound, environment or feeling, etc), and I do still need to work hard on self-control as to slow down the speed of changing my moods!!!

I said I grew, because I now know the difference between women and men, both inside and outside.  And I understand more about the nature of human-beings in general.  Before, that "naive" (not a complementing word here) me, would always see the "good" side of people, and not the "real" side (warning: I didn't say "bad", but "real").  Now I am less and less possible to put myself into a situation where I break my heart to death and the opposite person never understands what it is for.  So, if he never understands, or too immature to understand, why I am giving myself such a hard time or expecting too much?! USELESS!!! So just let it be, and never expect anyone to become the one whom you want that person to be, that's way too tired.  At the end, you realize that the one that is changing is YOU, not HIM/HER. 

I have to admit that humans ARE indeed very very VERY complicated, or complex rather (the difference is that complex is unpredictable whereas complicated is predictable in complex systems, and humans are such complex systems).

I also have to admit that I've become more and more complex as well, along with how I think or see.  But I do not see it as a bad thing any more.  It is as natural as how today's society becomes.  However, I still give myself a tiny little room where I can still be simple, childish, and unreasonably however I want myself to be.  Just like my previous blog, I DO WANT X-MAS TO COME ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(still listening to those 2 xmasie CDs, sadly to say)   

Last time I went to Target with mj, I bought 2 CDs, and both are Christmas songs.  I guess I bought them because I've been homesick for quite a while.  Thinking of Christmas, the xmas tree that I decorate at every xmas season (kinda like a yearly event and my homie tradition).  My mom always tries to stop me from putting all those crap on my tree, but I just feel weird without one on xmas.  Anyways, back to my original topic, I just can't stop recalling those peaceful time at home, having an awesome dinner, watching some funny TV shows, chatting with lifelong friends while or after the dinner.  My favorite part is of course unwrapping all the gifts I got from everyone, everyone place.  I don't care what kind of gifts or how expensive they are, I just love love LOVE the moment when I unwrap them.  Maybe I am still a child, or rather having a childish heart (just to make it sound more realistic).  By listening the jazzy "Silent Night" piece that is played by a saxophone and a piano, it also reminds me of every year I go to Manhattan, walking around those never-get-dark streets with tons of torists and local people, windowshopping, and feeling present and engaged, and enjoying the entire atmosphere all at once. It just feels great!  Although it's cold, the feeling of wearing a heavy jacket and a pair of snowboots just makes me feel warm.  Maybe stop by at a random bar, talk to random people there, do some "back of the envolop" calculation with them.  Damn I really want christmas to come asap.  "Jingle Bells" which is what is on the CD right now, just makes me want to go home so badly.  I miss my childhood very badly too!!!  Damn I feel old now, I'm not even a teenager any more right?! I am a young adult! LITERALLY!

I guess I am just tring to hide my feelings from all the stress from school.  By shifting the anxious feeling from the schoolwork to a dream feeling of being at home, feel homie, or christmasy, or just future-like in general.  Yeah, from the yoga's perspective, I am avoiding or unwilling to face or accept my true inner feeling right now.  I do feel insecure, anxious, sad, and homesick.  That makes me imagine the whole xmas thing I've been talking about.

I just want to graduate, do the things that I enjoy doing in my whole life, even though it really might not be the case at that time.  But at least I'm dreaming about it.  And I also know that when I really graduate and on the stage of working hard for a basic living, I will dream to come back to school, I understand all that, but I still want a change in my life RIGHT NOW!  I just want a new style of living DESPERATELY!!!!

Fine, enough complaining and letting my fear out.  Free-writing indeed always helps to make one feel better, as it is just another theorem from yoga.

BUT I REALLY WANT TO GO HOME!!!!well, I am going home on Monday for the citizenship interview on tuesday, but then I still gotta come back to school right after the interview.  OK, say it this way, I JUST WANT SCHOOL TO END SO I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!

Or, can I go back to be a child again?

再一次长时间的把我这地盘足足冷落了4个月。。。相信里面的灰也落了不少了。。。就我这个性，一开始写Blog就说明我又有压力了，又其实该忙点什么，但就是不想去做。。。这不，本学期某一门破课的第一次考试将在下周隆重展开，虽然its suppose to be 2 weeks ago. 第1个hw也是，很久前就该due，结果这周五才due。应该佩服我的是，我还没开始写。。。哈哈。。。我觉得我已经把这课给放弃了。当然，班上3/4的人都放弃了，但可能没我这样连作业都不按时交。。。唉，反正这课就是一joke,BIG joke!

anywayz，我也不知道我为啥突然想写这个blog，可能因为无聊，可能因为又有些莫名的压力。。。但我觉得现在的压力跟以前的压力大不一样。以前感觉是纯学习上的，现在更多是联系着以后未来的压力。。我仿佛能看见我短期未来的画面，那个未来离我越来越近。。不像以前，虽然学习上的压力也间接着联系着以后未来的压力，但反正。。。。。唉，我free writing style的习惯又来了，我也不知道我在写什么，重点是什么。。。啊对，Yoga课上学的，把内心里的真实想法抒发出来，是对自己诚实的表现，也会让人更加emotionally balanced and flexible.

我觉得吧，我又长大了，虽然貌似我经常这么说，这么写，但我真的能感受到我成长的过程。。。或许一切都是恋爱的功劳，当然，也是一切变化的功劳。套用我们教授也是我们系的头的一句话，change is opportunity.一臣不变会有多无聊啊。。。我受不了在同一个地方待很久的时间，认识同一小圈子的人，做同样的事。。可能这也是我大学4年住过4次不同的地方，搬过4次家，校内校外各种环境都住遍的缘故吧。。因为陌生的环境，陌生的人，反而会让我觉得更舒服，自在。。。所以我等不及快些毕业，投入另一个环境，尝试更多的新鲜感。。。然后某个时候，见到有段时间没见的朋友，会有更多的话题来叙旧，比天天都粘在一起所谓的“朋友”的磁场来得更强。。。就像暑假的时候见了3年没见的christy, nick, 见了又一学期没见的高中同学，姐们儿们，某一时间突然出现在国内铁哥们铁姐们的生活。。那种聚会时的惊喜是不会在没有分别的条件下产生的。。这样在不同环境认识新鲜事物和人的同时，也不忘之前曾经的知己。。。我一直相信life long relationship会经得起时间和分别的考验，所以“距离产生美”不愧是真理，至少对我来说。。。

真的，我觉得我又是时候需要些变化了。。。就像我4年前高中将要升大学的时候，很多人因为要升大学感到恐惧，害怕，比如丁丁同学，而我却为之兴奋，迫不及待。。。现在也如此，很多人为毕业后的未知数感到恐惧，而我却不怕，等不及那个时刻的到来。。。

2010年的5月，你快些到来吧！！！！！！！

暑假课上完了，，，可以回家堕落了。。。哈哈哈哈。。。
我想吃韩国烤肉。。。flushing的那家自助的。。。上次跟静还有年糕一起去的那个。。。。
我。。。饿了。。。。。。。

暑假的课上了一周了。。。自我感觉良好！！！反正每天把时间安排好，不拖到最后，一天学一章，一天一个作业。。。反正也是被逼的，今天不写明天老师就从网上把作业取消，所以导致我必须按时学习，按时做作业。。。但我还是会投机取巧，报应也随之而来。。。这2门课都是每周五考试，我刚把2门都考完了，发现，自己学的还是不透彻，分数也就达不到满分。。。唉，丢的那几道题真让我后悔莫及啊，，要是我平时把那文章都看了，不是只是把作业糊弄过去就算了，那就好了。。。。唉。。。认了。。下星期开始要好好学了。。。

至于其他的，我也有所进步。。。真的是，不期望也就没有失望了。。。从放暑假以来，心态一直保持着平静，不去想些有的没的，也不去分析那些错综复杂的琐事，这样反而会更加轻松。。。我想我是麻木了吧，，哈哈。。。或许所谓的互相给对方空间，就是这么回事吧。。。

生活渐渐步入正轨，，嗯，，，不错！！！继续加油！！！

或许真的是期望越大，要求越多，失望的就越多吧。。。
不管怎么说，有这些经历是好的，亲身体验过了，不管开心还是不开心，伤心也好，感动也好，总之我是长大了，我体验了这个滋味是什么。。。
只是我是那个不争气的人，控制不住自己的情绪，放任自己让心情牵着鼻子走。。。

其实我就是想有个能完全懂我的人。。。但看来，完全懂一个人，是件非常艰巨的工程。。。

到底什么是爱，我还是不知道，还在摸索中。。。但我尝到了恋爱的滋味。。。它教人成长。。。所以我谢谢这一切的发生，也谢谢所有让这一切发生，和有着紧密关系的人们。。。

从现在起，我新的课题就是，看轻和看淡该看轻看淡的事物，学会控制自己的情绪，保持开心的心情。。。因为反正不开心和伤心都是自找的，伤心换不来想要的结果，只会让人更加不理解，雪球效应，我会越来越伤心，那我何必如此呢。。。所以我不要对任何人有任何的要求，没有人能改变另一个人，除非改变自己。。。所以我只对自己要求就好了。。也不要轻易相信和重视别人的诺言，说到做到并不是每个人都能如此的。。最后就是，相信万物会改变的定律。。。

其实，努力让自己不去受伤的我，不知不觉，已经开始受伤了，这是难免的吧。。。。所谓的监督，看来只有我自己监督我自己了。。。只要严格要求自己就好了。。。。

还是那句话，顺其自然，享受一切，开开心心的过好每一天！:D

这学期的所有课程已经圆满结束，开心！！！！！在没考最后的4门final之前，先无聊的来小总结一下。。。
学习上照上学期比进步了N多。。。因为上学期是谷底，这学期就算多堕落，但跟上学期一比，还是有所进步。。。但其实自我感觉良好，起码所有的作业我都乖乖的交了，而且房间不至于乱到要用迈步的就是迈出一步还要想想下一步该迈哪或者用手把地上的杂物扒开而才能有坐席之地的那个核武器爆炸现场的程度。。。。呼，好长的一个句子。。。总而言之，比起上学期，这学期堕落的少一些。。。

其次，就那个我人生第一次经历的那点破事儿。。。唉，，，我只能说，，，我变了，，变得连我都不知道我是谁了，，我也不知道我为什么会变成这样。。。有够不争气的。。。。唉。。。。在这上面好像一直是我自己跟自己在做内心斗争，理智和感觉不停的在打架。。。我觉着我站在中间，处理得还不错，，，但反正，，，唉。。。。。。这玩艺儿确实挺让人头大的，如果你有脑子的话。。。。没脑子的那就幸福多了，半点烦恼没有，，，然后反而让有脑子的气个半死，，，你说我何必呢。。。。唉，，宽容点吧。。。。

不过不得不说，虽然这玩艺没少影响我，但有好也有坏。。。好的是，学习上有了动力，本来怕它影响学习，不过还好，谁让某人学习那么牛呢。。。不好的是，我逐渐的失去了自我。。我也知道不应该因为这破玩艺而改变我的习惯，我原本的生活，，可是没办法，，不能完全的理智不是，，我也是有感觉的嘛。。。。所以说我不争气就不争气在这。。。因为控制不了自己了。。。唉。。。

这学期唯一退步的就是练琴，可能也是，时间都花在学习上了，学习进步了，琴就相对退步了，因为时间是有限的，但反正也完成了一首从没接触过的爵士曲，还有concerto的第2部分，只是状态总是不好，很少能找到对的感觉。。。但没办法，时间就那么点，这学期的priority在学习和找实习上，而且我又坚持打工，又教钢琴又教中文的，而且都没断。。。。

说到找实习，唉，没地方要。。。谁叫我们这专业太新潮呢，学的东西也是大家一般不会轻易了解的。。。但每次去见谁谁谁，都说对我印象很好，很专业，但就实在没有什么可有我用武之地的地方。。。所以，，唉，，，没实习作。。。。班上的同学也都跟我一样，，除了某些朝medical school发展的一些，和做research的一些同学不难找到实习。。。可刚好我不喜欢往medical or pharmaceutical那边发展，也不喜欢无聊的做实验。。。我想自己创新，做个创始人，，，但首先也要从小事做起，，，BAE systems有个manager，是跟我学中文的那个人的好朋友，答应我可以去他们那volunteer，，，他们的team就是创建electrical bus的一个团队，由他带领的。。。本来想找个paid internship,也给我家减轻点负担，这下泡汤了。。。不过也好，有这么个好机会，为以后作准备吧。。。

反正先蹲在bing上一个月的课，同时去BAE system看看情况，，，等上完课了，，回到纽约市再找找什么吧，那里机会会更多。。。

白话的差不多了，还是先全力以赴好好考final，，然后暑假的课好好上，好好的去bae system学学东西吧。。。。加油！！！

Maybe because it's toward the end of the semester (apparently we only have 2 more weeks of classes and the 1 last finals week), I feel like.....really tired, extremely lazy, dont feel like doing anything......Or maybe because of too much workload? All the final projects no matter in groups or individual work, tests, quizzipoos, hw assignments, work, teaching chinese and the piano, practicing the piano, etc.......i just want everything to stop, Stop, STOP!!!!!!

Seriously, i'm super tired, i'm just....saturated! I need a break,,,,,but,,,I still need to hold on till the end of the semester or everything what i've done so far will be completely wasted........yea,,,just hold on to it,,,cant be a fool and mop all the importance....

anywayz, i'm just stressed out again,,,,i totally admit that i'm old...= =...well, more accurately, getting oldER......I feel like i have so much responsibility on my hands yet i'm not ready to take it all......I dont know,,,maybe i'm turning moody again.....but i WAS happy today after all the classes were done.....

oh yea, i was super super lucky today, cuz the class i've been hating was cancelled...well not literally cancelled, but the professor was absent and the TA was teaching it.....i didnt know and i was skipping it but then my friends in the class texted me and IMed me telling me what was going on.....and the last class which the professor is super picky DIDN'T PICK ON ME!!!phewwwwwww.............

anywayz,,,,time to go back to study......keep it up....= =

OH WAIT,,,,,1 more thing,,,,,i realized something really strange, I dont know why, there're more and more people visiting my space.......the number is increasing tremendously.....before it was only 10ish people visited per day,,,but now it's in hundreds.....i mean duh,,,can't compare to those super stars' blogs,,,,but still,,,compare to how it was before, it is a HUGE change.....oh woow, "change!", i meantioned "change"......"change is opportunity"......yea yea yea i'm brainwashed by this class and this sentence is successfully sunk in my mind by our genius professor.....still sigh...= =

Right now,
at this moment,
me in the school library,
in the pods,
facing the lecture notes
of my crazy engineering class,
on the computer,
staring at it,
having no clue what I'm reading.
My brain is just shutting down
like a closing door,
no matter what information you're sending me,
I'm simply not receiving it but bouncing it back to ya.
Maybe I'm just old, or tired, or lazy,
or this thing is just too hard,
or else...
But the last hope I have,
which is what i am doing right now,
that is,
waiting for the kid from my class
who finished this "BT(bian tai)" hw,
getting the answer from him,
at the same time giving him the other hw
that I finished yet he didn't.
Nice exchange isn't it?
Yeah, I'm waiting, waiting, waiting,
for him to come,
and there he is,
and I'm stopping
to write this "not so poetic" type of poem,
and to say "good-bye" to my space webpage.
Yes you're right,
I'm bored,
so bored to write what i just wrote all above
while waiting for this kid to come.
Now I see a sparkling line
of my tomorrow's life,
because he's here,
sitting right next to me,
doing our exchanged business,
so I'm all set,
and see ya.....= =|||

大概摘要：这两天纽约冷，我房间也冷，连着2天梦到了我日夜思念的糖葫芦，第一天梦到山楂的，第二天梦到草莓的。。。= ="

于是，圣诞新年期间去纽约跟我哥们姐们儿们混，去了纽约的各大街小巷闲逛，居然有卖仿造的糖葫芦。。。所谓的仿造，它也是一串的，各种各样的水果，可它裹的不是糖，而是巧克力。。。= =||| 虽然如此，我还是买了一串。。它有草莓的，苹果的，棉花糖的等，我就买了个草莓的，比较像。。。贼贵，一串就4个草莓裹得巧克力，5美金。。。我靠，真赚啊，不过那我也买，让自己心里平衡点。。。其实口感也不赖，反正草莓也吃不出香蕉味，就一般的草莓和一般的巧克力。。。

从那以后，我对冰糖葫芦的思念，逐日渐增（这成语是这么说的不？）。。最近纽约降温，由于家里的暖气坏掉，房间里及其寒冷，裹2层被也不好使，而且最近的我睡觉及其不老实，经常起来看到上面的1层被让我踹到地上。。。

结果，就在前天的凌晨，我梦到了日夜思念的最经典正宗的山楂的冰糖葫芦。。。在梦里，我跟某人一人买一串，整个的圆圆的山楂，不是被敲扁的那种，看着超级无敌兴奋。正想吃，它给我醒了。。。我当时手还空攥个拳头在嘴的右边，空咬，怎么咬都咬不到，口水倒是流了一堆。。。我的第一反应是，懊恼，怎么就吃不着呢，，就差那么一口！！就一口！！！然后，我感到了寒冷，一拍屁股，连一层被都没有，统统跑到了地上。。。起来上了个厕所，回来重新把被盖好，我也精神的睡不着了，越想越懊恼。。。白天就跟我妈抱怨这破暖气，开到80度其实也就到60度。。。

紧接着，昨天的凌晨，一样的情形就跟倒带似的又发生了一次，，唯一不同的是，冰糖葫芦从山楂的换成草莓的。。。我囧。。。。。。。这样下去，我怕我再梦个香蕉的，还有现在新出什么其他水果的，我也落伍不知道了。。。唉。。。